I will give this all a chance. But because I choose to, not for any other reason. I am deciding to take the new job and ride it out. My goal is two years and that goal has become quite malleable in the past two weeks. I want to work for myself. I want to be at home, to cultivate. By home I mean in my own rhythms, driven by my own choreography.
I bled with Adam last time we were intimate. I didn't discuss the thing. I just wanted a nice dinner and a heart connection. My body bled, my heart bleeds.
Giving up the idea of children is freeing. It's life that I can dedicate to those I love and chase every curiosity. I want someone to tell me that I'm wrong but I don't know why.
I find myself putting up ever more boundaries in relation to work while I shatter personal ones. Or rather, I work to continuously shatter any boundary of ego that doesn't serve me.
I'm sleeping in my bed tonight for the first time in four nights. Every day, a different town, a new bed. Colorado is like a fire ceremony to me, smoke drifting in, teasing past my bones. I drove through mountain, canyon, snow, ice, sun, and rain today. La querencia is nestling in again.
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