Me

I killed it in the gym this morning. Drenched in sweat, hands shaking. I realized that I've been trying to figure so much out. This massive job, a relationship written in a different language. I have felt joy and satisfaction but it's been at the expense of feeling at all grounded.

I'm releasing both.

I'll still do my best, but my focus needs to be on myself. I absolutely have to nurture me right now. Not the company that I don't own, not the married man. Me.

The job will get easier.

Who knows what will happen with the man. But I will have to grow old with myself. I intend to do so surrounded by my best friends, feeling my most confident, humbled by love in all its forms.

I know myself, and I know that I don't love second place.

I am going to Mexico this weekend with two of my best girlfriends. This life is about deep friendships and travel.

I admit without reserve, I am all about ME.

Aloha.

Room Service

One of my favorite things about all the traveling that I do is all the new people I get to meet and the best way to meet people is the hotel bar. Or really, any bar at any restaurant, but a sushi bar is often best, after the bar in a hotel. It's where the business travelers sit, where people are ready and willing to talk to you. Being a single woman has pros and cons; people often want to talk to you but intention isn't always clear. Not that it matters. A little daily flirting is necessary and beautiful in this life.

I am so tired in this new job that I find myself ordering room service, something I have never done before with any regularity. I woke at 4:30 this morning, caught a 7-somethingam flight. I worked all day, public eye, sparkling. Back to my room at 8pm, pst. I ran a bath with one hand, put a girlfriend on speaker with the other. I ordered the salmon and two glasses of pinot. I'm so tired.

I think of it though and wonder- tell me of a life where I'm not tired. What then, am I well-rested and under-stimulated? I would rather challenge myself mentally and physically.

I would also rather starve free than live a fat slave.

I'll wake up tomorrow and do it again. I need to be grateful for everything, especially if it's challenging. Challenge me, make me consider my options, please.

Bedtime now and I have earned it.

Alohazzzzz

good witchery.

I sat in my car in the sea of I 25 yesterday afternoon, waiting to migrate off a road turned into a graveyard. May she be peaceful on her way. I had lots of numb time to think, to sort of dwell upon the melancholy that's settled over me.
I equate the feeling of stress with suburban malaise. It feels like failure. I will jump into high-stakes situations and feed off the adrenaline but boring common-place stress feels like failure. And like someone is sitting on my chest, eating more and more, the weight becoming greater each day.
I awoke at 2am and didn't resch for a pill. I read a fashion magazine, massaged some oil onto my skin. Today I was tired, but not drugged.
I love the people with whom I work. An amazing family, my tribe. Queer. Smart. Loving. The stress I feel is due to lifestyle and I spoke up today. I feel better to keep trying now, I just needed to be heard. Life is too fragile and beautiful to be wasted on an airplane if it's not what the heart desires. I've turned down two dates this week due to my schedule, and who knows, they could've been the night, the person. SuperDave and I had a beautiful night in SF, walking hand in hand through the twisted streets. A kindred soul. Gypsy, like me. I feel connected to him in death as I do in this life. He was so close to it and he tells me I was there. He has been one of my hardest friendships, but most profound.

Adam returns tomorrow. Love is is spell beyond me, ensnared.

Aloha.