Alpha males on the mainland

The woman who brought me to Kauai left the island about a month ago and now her second-in-command also announced his departure.  The opening team bails and new blood is brought in from the mainland.  When Bridget left, I moped for weeks, uncertain about the future of everything I had build here.  With Theron leaving, I'm mourning the loss of a friend, but am starting to understand what people have told me since I got here; There's always someone new arriving on Kauai.


Kauai continues to change me.  I've been hanging out with someone new, just a friend, and one night as I walked with him into the parking lot I found myself thinking that he better not drive a sedan.  I was ready to judge the poor boy on driving a normal car!  Somehow it's in my head now that real men drive trucks.  Imagine that ten months ago... I used to view men that drove trucks as scary Republicans on their way to a hunt.  It's the fucked up gender roles here.  Justin (new friend, and yes, he drives a truck) was telling me he visited New York City recently and he said he went to a club there, and "felt so alpha."  He said he was one of the biggest, most muscular guys guys there.  He said he felt like the only guy who'd ever been on a surfboard and he was full of judgment about it.  Even if they're skinny, the guys here are still alpha.  They hunt pigs, fish, surf, keep pit bulls, and drink lots of beer.  I wonder if I moved somewhere in the south or rural northwest US if I would change this way, or if it's the smallness of the population coupled with the absolute isolation.

Kauai can be a bit of an insider's club as well and I think that adds to the value morph.  The island makes  you fucking work for it and it is not easy.  Once you're settled though, the people here embrace you like nothing else.  I was out with some girlfriends last week and one of them had moved from LA about 5 years ago.  She said she still loves her friends back home but nothing compares to the friends that she has here.  It's true, in ten months, I have closer friends that I did in Denver.  Different kind of close.  Family kind of close, we're all in it together kind of close.

Secrets are impossible to keep here and I want to believe that keeps us honest, if not in action, at least in emotion.

Aloha.

Bringing it home

I didn't read The Secret, and what I do know about the book specifically, I've learned from Saturday Night Live skits basically asking, "What about Darfur, ASSHOLES?"  So yeah, it reminds me of the new age-y sorts who think you bring cancer upon your body by negative thinking and so on.  Self-righteous hippies blaming the victim; awesome.

But I do believe in the power of positive thinking and the whole "manifest" think sounds right if you compare it to exercise training.  Muscles respond and show heightened activity at rest if the subject is simply thinking about performing a physical act.

I ran a pretty good race on Saturday after not running the race distance for over four years and devoting about 2 days a week to training for a couple months on and off.  I was slacking, it rained all spring, whatever my excuse is, I was not super-prepared.  And so the last 2 weeks leading up to Saturday, I envisioned myself hurling up the hills of Lumahai, pounding over the double bridge, and cruising easily to the finish line at the pier.  Race day I woke up at 4:30, ate some almond butter, caught the shuttle down to Haena, cursed my goddamn ipod for taking a shit at the starting line and then ran my lungs out for 8 miles and clocked a good time.

Last race I did, my dad bailed at the last minute, so I ran it alone and finished alone.  This time I ran alone and finished alone, save from a phone call from the tow-in surfer I'd been hanging out with.  We met at Grandpas and went for a swim and I told him I just wanted to be friends.  He was upset, maybe more angry than hurt.  I hope I haven't made a mistake.  I just had nothing to say to him and I didn't want to kiss him.  I'm just not at the point where I can settle for someone who treats me right if the other stuff isn't there.

And as much as I like the 25 year-old, I have to let him go.  He hasn't called for three days and he should have.  After the success of the race, I tried the manifestation thing toward bringing someone complete into my life.  The last client of the day was a lawyer from SFO.  He was kind of douchey, but incredibly charismatic and reminded me that settling for someone who wants nothing in life, no matter how intense the chemistry, isn't worth investing in.

I went out that night and got drunk off pinots with Jenny and we ran into another gang of local boys and ended the night back at the pier, at a bonfire, under a sprinkling sky.  The island is small, but energy is boundless and I will manifest my heart out until I find the one who will make me want to kiss for days, talk for hours, and who will be there at the finish line.

Aloha.

Clarity (for now)

My acupuncturist has been reminding me, on a weekly basis, that the energy you put into your mind and your body, radiates to those around you.  Two months into it, I feel amazing and strong, and hopefully look it as well.

We talked about my romantic life today and aligning yourself to attract the people who most compliment you.  I was talking about the 38 year-old surfer, who in such a short time, has totally committed to me.  Trips to Indo promised, flowers and dinners gifted, and a good night phone call every night.  He would make an amazing dad. When I kiss him, I feel nothing.  Maybe a slight biological response, but nothing emotional.  It's like licking a stamp.  I've tried to back away, but apparently Jason is right, and I am absolutely terrible at breaking up with people.  So tonight, I'll break the ties for real.  It'll have to be over the phone, but I will do it.

So have I reached a point in my life when the loved-up fun relationships of yesteryear are no longer possible if that person isn't going to be the one I commit to forever?  I can see myself in an arrangement where I am good friends with the father, but am I destined to be married?  I'm so independent, so fearful of being caged, so in love with the possibilities of the world.  Does that vibe with marriage?  Yes, to the right person.

I need to take a step back, give thanks for the way another can make me feel, but reel in my emotions and expectations.  I'm happy being single and I miss the calmness and clarity that comes from not having any expectations of others.  I owe it to the right-on-paper guy to break things off and allow him to make another woman happy.  I owe it to myself to release the kiss-for-days guy and allow room for someone who will compliment me more.

Oh age... things get more complicated until you reach the next tipping point and then hopefully things just start cruising again.  Fifties, sixties?

I can't forget the rest of the world out there, and that this little island is not all there is.  The air, the fruits, the ocean, the green, the love, the happiness... it's palpable and intoxicating.  Ambition for more than those things does not exist here though and maybe that's the way things should be. One piece of clarity at a time.

Aloha.