Expectations

Mom called me this morning and in the course of our chat, I mention that I see myself on Kauai for at least another year or so.  I want to save a bit of money and be in a really good space before moving back and I'm still thinking the island has some big lessons to teach me.  She says, "I don't think that's a good idea."  I ask why and the answer I got is still messing with my head.

She basically spelled out that Kauai has turned me into a loser.  That she was very surprised at my appearance when I was back in Colorado.  Embarrassed actually.  Apparently I used to be of the "most polished people she knew," and now I'm a scruffy, uncultured, island girl.   She then said she didn't think I'd be able to get a job in Denver. 

My self esteem doesn't revolve around what my mom thinks of me but to have her say I was embarrassing and have her doubt my ability to find employment?

Yes, things here are different.  I was talking to my friend Tia today and we both found that when our mainland friends come to visit, they feel uncomfortable.  Tia said her sister felt ugly here because the women tend to be so slim and fit and there are no real bombshell-types.  Her sister defines herself as a glammed-up bombshell vixen and so to come to an island where people don't use hairdryers, wear much make-up, and are very slim, totally made her feel insecure.

I saw happen to Jen as well.  Jen defines herself as a city-dyke.  She rocks weird haircuts and men's undershirts and loves showing off her tattoos and lifting weights.  She's very pale, very city, and very butch.  We'd go to the beach and she'd be in her sports bra and board shorts and all her confidence would crumble.  She'd hold her arms over her belly and kick at the shoreline.

Well, when I first got here, I was like that too.  I was way too dressed all of the time, I wore too much make-up, and I was pale, as should be a redhead.  It took 6 or 8 months but slowly my hair grew out, my skin grew dark, and I stopped worrying about it so much.

In Colorado this summer, I was astounded at how many friends I made in the short week that I was there.  I was open, happy, free.  I want to hear people's stories. I want to bond with them, learn from them.  And people are drawn to that.  I wasn't like that when I got here.  Not nearly as loving, as accepting.  I've tried to put love before every emotion that I feel, and it has enriched my life tremendously.

But am I delusional?  I believe that I'm free and loving but really I'm stunted and immature?  I've always been proud to be a well-versed woman.  I've seen some shit, been around.  I feel like that works against me sometimes, as it can come across as snobby or cold.  Or I used to come across that way.  Now I believe I am much more approachable.

Approachable... and embarrassing, with unemployment in my future.

Damn it.

Aloha.