Today I was running up a trail when I passed two hikers coming back down. The woman shouted at me as I passed, "You're an inspiration!" Wha... really? It didn't sink in until after I was done with my run. I returned a friend's call and heard myself offering up advice in regard to a woman who's making him crazy. I said "I know you love her, but you have to love yourself more." So if I'm going to be an inspiration, it's not because I tackle steep inclines, it's because I'm going to walk the walk.
People do shitty and selfish things all the time. And sometimes we love them and they still do those things to us. But the only damn thing I can control in this world are my thoughts. And my thoughts for the last 3 weeks have been hurtful. I've blamed myself. But I've come to the point where I've out-run the woman crying on the steps. I can do nothing else but keep running, keep laughing, and keep loving because damn if I will be withheld from any of it any longer.
Books are falling in my path as I need them. Meagan gave me her copy of Jitterbug Perfume for some reason and the next day, I smacked Ian with it as I fought for satisfaction.
End of relationship/dodged bullet.
The same day I received an Amazon package containing Born To Run. The book has been my bible. I would do it an injustice by summarizing it here, but it's changed the way that I run and by extension, think, physically, spiritually, and mentally.
There will be more dark times, I know, but I'm through the worst of it. I have run myself past the head noise and back to clarity.
aloha.
26 October 2010
19 October 2010
Yesterday and Today
Yesterday I felt good. I went on a hike with a friend and her toddler and talked it out. I stopped by the Tamba shop on my way home, bought a new hat, and let the braddahs hit on me. I got home, worked out, and decided to unblock Ian on facebook. I felt like I had moved past needing to cut ties, moved past animosity.
What I realized today is that last night and this morning, I have been preparing for Ian to get in touch with me. I have been preparing for him to come back and hold me and apologize. I had been preparing to forgive him.
I was tricking myself. He left me. Abandoned me. Threw me away. And thank gods I have both the internal strength and external support to withstand such treatment. I have to let him go, have to let that hope go. Even if if I have to hide it until I simply forget where it ever was, I cannot hold onto to any amount of hope.
Today on my run, I again thought about living in fear. I am scared of what might NOT happen and so my reality is overlooked in preparation for a future that is uncertain. I have wonderful friends, a very healthy body, well-paying and soul-satisfying job, and a small family of three that love me. It is abundance. I need to honor it.
Running has been my medication and my regulator through this time. I run trails often, twisty, muddy trails through rain forest that require exact concentration in order not to fall on my face. It leaves little room to think about what's happened. It also forces me out the door by 7 am or earlier each day, and if I've been up crying and popping pills all night, it is a punishing start to my day.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way... Right?
Aloha.
What I realized today is that last night and this morning, I have been preparing for Ian to get in touch with me. I have been preparing for him to come back and hold me and apologize. I had been preparing to forgive him.
I was tricking myself. He left me. Abandoned me. Threw me away. And thank gods I have both the internal strength and external support to withstand such treatment. I have to let him go, have to let that hope go. Even if if I have to hide it until I simply forget where it ever was, I cannot hold onto to any amount of hope.
Today on my run, I again thought about living in fear. I am scared of what might NOT happen and so my reality is overlooked in preparation for a future that is uncertain. I have wonderful friends, a very healthy body, well-paying and soul-satisfying job, and a small family of three that love me. It is abundance. I need to honor it.
Running has been my medication and my regulator through this time. I run trails often, twisty, muddy trails through rain forest that require exact concentration in order not to fall on my face. It leaves little room to think about what's happened. It also forces me out the door by 7 am or earlier each day, and if I've been up crying and popping pills all night, it is a punishing start to my day.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way... Right?
Aloha.
18 October 2010
Damaged Goods
It's 4am on Kauai and I'm up for a reason yet determined. I checked my phone, email, listened for suspicious noises... nothing. I tried to sleep for another hour and have given up and decided that perhaps the reason I'm up is to update this blog.
I've had a taste of heart break. I think it's medium-rare kind of heat break, not a charred, burnt-to-a-crisp kind, but it'll do. He left me without a word. I know that I need to view this as a dodged bullet, a gift from my higher self that unleashed events that would show me his true colors. The problem is, when someone leaves with no explanation, you're left to do the coloring yourself, making it up as you go along, because you've been left with no outline.
What happened? What were the words I used that sent him so far from me emotionally that he was able to treat me that way? And why am I not worth fighting for? These are questions that have haunted every single day for the last 10 days. I haven't called him but once, I blocked him on facebook, but I am dying to invade his life and search for answers.
Damaged goods. Over a year ago, a woman he was madly in love with on the mainland broke his heart and took up with another. Apparently he was ready to move to California, leave Kauai, to be with her. It came as a surprise and according to his friends, it tore him up completely. I wonder if he saw a chance at vengeance with me. I'm not innocent, I know that I said inappropriate things in some lame attempt to protect myself. A few weeks before this happened, I suggested we see other people in a weird fit of totally fake nonchalance. The fight we had the morning he left was about sex. I wasn't satisfied. After what's happened I have been completely without any desire and the thought of having an orgasm almost shames me. I feel as though my desire is what caused this, sickened him in some way.
How to move forward? I've barely begun sleeping again, eating is still difficult, running not quite where it was two weeks ago. And the sadness just overtakes me. I went to the bay yesterday for a walk and a swim. The ocean has always soothed me, taken off the sticky mess of any day. Yesterday I got in and the waves rolled and tossed me about and I cried. I thought maybe then I was done. I reread The Four Agreements and went home. And now I am up at 4am, with tears in my eyes again.
The next month will be slow at work and my best friend here is leaving for 2 weeks to Ireland. The time kills me, time that was spent with Ian, now is spent alone. My girlfriends have rallied, been incredible, but I know I'm on a deadline here.
I need to forgive and release him. And I need to find a way to do that without closure.
Aloha.
I've had a taste of heart break. I think it's medium-rare kind of heat break, not a charred, burnt-to-a-crisp kind, but it'll do. He left me without a word. I know that I need to view this as a dodged bullet, a gift from my higher self that unleashed events that would show me his true colors. The problem is, when someone leaves with no explanation, you're left to do the coloring yourself, making it up as you go along, because you've been left with no outline.
What happened? What were the words I used that sent him so far from me emotionally that he was able to treat me that way? And why am I not worth fighting for? These are questions that have haunted every single day for the last 10 days. I haven't called him but once, I blocked him on facebook, but I am dying to invade his life and search for answers.
Damaged goods. Over a year ago, a woman he was madly in love with on the mainland broke his heart and took up with another. Apparently he was ready to move to California, leave Kauai, to be with her. It came as a surprise and according to his friends, it tore him up completely. I wonder if he saw a chance at vengeance with me. I'm not innocent, I know that I said inappropriate things in some lame attempt to protect myself. A few weeks before this happened, I suggested we see other people in a weird fit of totally fake nonchalance. The fight we had the morning he left was about sex. I wasn't satisfied. After what's happened I have been completely without any desire and the thought of having an orgasm almost shames me. I feel as though my desire is what caused this, sickened him in some way.
How to move forward? I've barely begun sleeping again, eating is still difficult, running not quite where it was two weeks ago. And the sadness just overtakes me. I went to the bay yesterday for a walk and a swim. The ocean has always soothed me, taken off the sticky mess of any day. Yesterday I got in and the waves rolled and tossed me about and I cried. I thought maybe then I was done. I reread The Four Agreements and went home. And now I am up at 4am, with tears in my eyes again.
The next month will be slow at work and my best friend here is leaving for 2 weeks to Ireland. The time kills me, time that was spent with Ian, now is spent alone. My girlfriends have rallied, been incredible, but I know I'm on a deadline here.
I need to forgive and release him. And I need to find a way to do that without closure.
Aloha.
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