Damaged Goods

It's 4am on Kauai and I'm up for a reason yet determined.  I checked my phone, email, listened for suspicious noises... nothing.  I tried to sleep for another hour and have given up and decided that perhaps the reason I'm up is to update this blog.

I've had a taste of heart break.  I think it's medium-rare kind of heat break, not a charred, burnt-to-a-crisp kind, but it'll do.  He left me without a word.  I know that I need to view this as a dodged bullet, a gift from my higher self that unleashed events that would show me his true colors. The problem is, when someone leaves with no explanation, you're left to do the coloring yourself, making it up as you go along, because you've been left with no outline.

What happened?  What were the words I used that sent him so far from me emotionally that he was able to treat me that way? And why am I not worth fighting for? These are questions that have haunted every single day for the last 10 days. I haven't called him but once, I blocked him on facebook, but I am dying to invade his life and search for answers.

Damaged goods.  Over a year ago, a woman he was madly in love with on the mainland broke his heart and took up with another.  Apparently he was ready to move to California, leave Kauai, to be with her.  It came as a surprise and according to his friends, it tore him up completely.  I wonder if he saw a chance at vengeance with me.  I'm not innocent, I know that I said inappropriate things in some lame attempt to protect myself.  A few weeks before this happened, I suggested we see other people in a weird fit of totally fake nonchalance.  The fight we had the morning he left was about sex.  I wasn't satisfied.  After what's happened I have been completely without any desire and the thought of having an orgasm almost shames me.  I feel as though my desire is what caused this, sickened him in some way.

How to move forward?  I've barely begun sleeping again, eating is still difficult, running not quite where it was two weeks ago.  And the sadness just overtakes me.  I went to the bay yesterday for a walk and a swim.  The ocean has always soothed me, taken off the sticky mess of any day.  Yesterday I got in and the waves rolled and tossed me about and I cried.  I thought maybe then I was done.  I reread The Four Agreements and went home.  And now I am up at 4am, with tears in my eyes again.

The next month will be slow at work and my best friend here is leaving for 2 weeks to Ireland.  The time kills me, time that was spent with Ian, now is spent alone.  My girlfriends have rallied, been incredible, but I know I'm on a deadline here.

I need to forgive and release him. And I need to find a way to do that without closure.

Aloha.