Yesterday I felt good. I went on a hike with a friend and her toddler and talked it out. I stopped by the Tamba shop on my way home, bought a new hat, and let the braddahs hit on me. I got home, worked out, and decided to unblock Ian on facebook. I felt like I had moved past needing to cut ties, moved past animosity.
What I realized today is that last night and this morning, I have been preparing for Ian to get in touch with me. I have been preparing for him to come back and hold me and apologize. I had been preparing to forgive him.
I was tricking myself. He left me. Abandoned me. Threw me away. And thank gods I have both the internal strength and external support to withstand such treatment. I have to let him go, have to let that hope go. Even if if I have to hide it until I simply forget where it ever was, I cannot hold onto to any amount of hope.
Today on my run, I again thought about living in fear. I am scared of what might NOT happen and so my reality is overlooked in preparation for a future that is uncertain. I have wonderful friends, a very healthy body, well-paying and soul-satisfying job, and a small family of three that love me. It is abundance. I need to honor it.
Running has been my medication and my regulator through this time. I run trails often, twisty, muddy trails through rain forest that require exact concentration in order not to fall on my face. It leaves little room to think about what's happened. It also forces me out the door by 7 am or earlier each day, and if I've been up crying and popping pills all night, it is a punishing start to my day.
It wasn't supposed to happen this way... Right?
Aloha.
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