Better not to know

I dated a guy once that looked just like Glen Danzig. He had long black hair, blue eyes, big muscles, and drove some sort of... omfg, he drove a local boy truck! This guy was so good to me. He sent me flowers at work, wrote me poetry, went for beers with my dad, completely giving in bed, kinda bullied my ex, what's not to love? Bless his big handsome heart, he was a dummy. So dumb, in fact, that his nickname was Dumbzig.

Dumbzig had no idea he was dumb. He just didn't know. And to clarify, he wasn't stupid, he was dumb. Space cadet, smoked too much weed, maybe a wee bit of head trauma as a child, dumb. And he was so happy with his lot in life. The man walked around with swagger, sex appeal and a smile. I've been reading through an old email account that I now only use for ordering things online, but that used to be my primary personal account. There are some doozies. The charting of entire relationships. One from Mr. D about two months in reads: "Just thinking of you, and it put a big smile on my face. Just want you to know you make me proud to be with you, and to be lucky enough for you to call me your boyfriend...it makes me happy. see you later Beautiful, Yours always, love ....."

Fast forward six months and I get this: "Take a look at this stupid shit were fighting about. How about working on communication skills, and I know I'm guilty too. But come on it was never supposed to be this hard. I think your not ready for a relationship, I understand I've been there too. If you want it to be over between us could you let me know in person? I deserve that much respect."

Yeah... certainly not stupid. I still need to work on those things. He later told me that I broke his heart. Then he moved to Florida and had babies. My point in writing this was originally that sometimes not knowing is better. I am a smart girl. I'm not ironic hipster funny and I haven't managed grad school yet, but I'll do. I can figure shit out. Right now, I've figured some things out from prolific facebook posts and I certainly don't think I'm the better for it.

Dumbzig cruised through this world with his shit-eating grin and charisma like a talisman because he didn't know what other people were saying about him. He didn't get that he didn't get it. And so every decision he made was from a place of confidence.

There's so much information now. Social network has made dating both easier and harder. Now we get to see every interaction those we care about have with others, we (all hundred plus for most people) all see break ups, make ups, and silences. People get tagged in photos that reveal what hours of pondering couldn't come close to. And so instead of walking around with Dumzig swagger, I for one, walk around with a sick feeling in my belly that things aren't as they should be.

I want to be Dumbzig. Well shit, guess I'll add him as a friend instead. I think I owe him a drink and an apology, in that order.

Aloha.