Like ripe avocados

I've been working out every single morning, and I do it because I absolutely love it. I also do it because I don't want to be fat. Yesterday evening I returned from work, and took off my shirt in preparation to jump in the shower. The phone rang, so I ended up spending a bit of time topless... and damn if I do love my boobs now. I'm still bigger than I was by a good eight pounds, but my abs are tight and the boobs are luscious. It's time to make peace.

I feel like two people very close to me are upset with me because I wasn't pregnant. I think about it daily; the what-ifs, the conversations had, the silence now. I did not choose to remain childless, but it happened. It's making me feel like I've disappointed those I love and who were most supportive at one time. I still haven't fully cried about it. A couple of tears, nothing satisfying, not for months.

I daydream of remaining on Kauai, drifting in the Pacific, anchoring myself further to this wild land and people. I have a small tribe here now. A good job. And I know that I will meet someone to love and that it will be soon if I open myself up to it.

Here's an avocado that my neighbor gave me that's almost as big as my head:


Aloha.