I'm sitting on my lanai in the morning sun, with coffee and the cat. The cat has been christened Cruiser by the apartment complex at large, but I don't feel the name suits her at all. I just call her little one but she probably thinks her name is, "Get down off the bed right now!"
The cycles I've been through on Kauai are apparent. I arrived and fought a bit, moved to the jungle, and then accepted the island. I felt empowered and at home here. After my December visits, and trip to Tokyo, something changed. The jungle became overwhelmingly hard for the reward it offered, and I began to experience rock fever in a horrible way. I moved to Princeville, and my body and poor wee pituitary shut down, and I grew very sad.
I think the pattern here is sense of place and loss of love. My first cycle of happiness here was after I realized that Jen and I weren't meant to be, and while I struggled so terribly with the guilt of that and mourned our relationship, it freed me emotionally. I've come to another place where I realize that a love I was holding out for isn't going to happen, and the little fetal position my heart has held itself in is finally starting to unfold.
The question is, how do I reconcile feelings of love with an open heart and willing spirit? I feel that again now when love is gone, but to feel it when I have the love of another in my life is a challenge. I must equate love with weakness on some level, and so in being in love, I start to resent myself for being weak. Body and mind begin to shut down and I fulfill my own prophesy.
I've been churning the possibillty of staying on Kauai longer than planned. My friends and my family will be there when I get back, be it this summer, or next Spring. I've always wanted to do a massage course in Chang Mai and if I stay here through the fall, I could save enough to pay off my bills, go to Thailand for 3 weeks, and still go home for Christmas. I haven't mentioned this to my mom yet.
The new tribe initiates with feathers.
Aloha.
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