Abrigada for your stay

I am in Portugal, staying for five days at the five diamond resort in the Algarve.  I opened a small bottle of white from the mini bar, ordered the chicken from room service, took a bath in a massive tub.

You're always with yourself, no matter where you are.  I feel like I should be out socializing, mixing with the Hilton bigwigs.  I feel like the shy, dorky kid still.  I awoke early, went for run, worked for a few hours this morning, then went shopping for souvenirs, then finally allowed myself to sneak down to the pool for an hour or so.

And I walked down the path to the pool, up comes the spa director, the Hilton Conrad point person, and then the All-Hilton spa person.  Big, big, big.  And there's me, probably looking messy and sweaty with a bad tattoo showing.

I don't think they noticed me.

I like my solo time. I am listening to Portuguese radio, drinking vino verde.

I want a support network of others that travel for work.  It's a different life.  Always going, streamlining the process (yes to bose headphones), away, leading a different life than your partner.  Flights delays, jetlag, weird food, constipation, crazy skin, searching for wifi, walking down unknown streets searching for a convenience store in which to purchase a corkscrew,  not posting to fb, eyeing the stranger at the hotel bar, BBC and Al-Jazeera, jetlag, should I order a meal, compression socks, friends with the bartender, small change ones and fives on hand, duty-free makeup, I want a cigarette, febreze travel size, economy plus is worth it, no one has a real camera anymore, this is out of my control, what's the worst that can happen.

My brother and my sister don't speak to me

My sisterhood is splintering because of the relationship that I'm in.  Girlfriends falling by the wayside, some in judgement, some just too ill-at-ease with the other woman.

Is that me, or she?  It's unraveling.  He told me he's moving out this weekend. He told me.  He said.  He promised.  The whining of a hundred promises. I am tough on the exterior, mush on the inside.  I watch him speak the words and I believe him. I never believed the others.

I don't remember falling asleep last night.  I remember laying in bed, him beside me.  He stroked my back and talked.  He talked about his dreams, the first time he realized how much he truly loved music and wanted to share it.  I feel asleep and stayed asleep through his departure.  He must have got out of bed, turned off the light and music, gathered his box of greens, and left.  All as I slept.  It's very unusual.  I notice things.  I smell, I see, I watch.

With him, I trust and am vulnerable.

But I don't blame them...

I feel a storm coming but I am trying not to manifest it. Keep in the light. So much is happening in my professional life, it's huge. In my personal life, I must hunker down, protect what to me is sacred and special right now. This storm will pass, and I am working so hard for my own gains.  The new year will bring huge changes and in those changes, I will decide if I want to stay here.

Edit- I wrote this last year, in the fall, literally and then some.  I stayed here with him.  And now we move to San Francisco next week.

I deleted facebook

Kauai is so small and my heart and dreams so big... I battle with suffocation almost daily.  I deleted facebook as a way to preserve a bit of privacy, which is in turn, dignity.  Life is rich in adventures that I did not even dream of before moving here.  I'll begin to write again.

Photo is off a full moon party at Taylor Camp we had on Saturday night. Four hours of pouring rain, opened up to a brilliant full moon reflecting green off the ocean.  I was with my best friends, until sunrise, dancing and laughing.  That is the reality I need to cultivate.  The rest will fall by the wayside, washed away by the next thing.  My friends, my work, my love, I will pour my focus there.  As I am reminded constantly, your focus is your future.  My focus is holding the light.

Aloha

Happy New Year!

Expectations

Mom called me this morning and in the course of our chat, I mention that I see myself on Kauai for at least another year or so.  I want to save a bit of money and be in a really good space before moving back and I'm still thinking the island has some big lessons to teach me.  She says, "I don't think that's a good idea."  I ask why and the answer I got is still messing with my head.

She basically spelled out that Kauai has turned me into a loser.  That she was very surprised at my appearance when I was back in Colorado.  Embarrassed actually.  Apparently I used to be of the "most polished people she knew," and now I'm a scruffy, uncultured, island girl.   She then said she didn't think I'd be able to get a job in Denver. 

My self esteem doesn't revolve around what my mom thinks of me but to have her say I was embarrassing and have her doubt my ability to find employment?

Yes, things here are different.  I was talking to my friend Tia today and we both found that when our mainland friends come to visit, they feel uncomfortable.  Tia said her sister felt ugly here because the women tend to be so slim and fit and there are no real bombshell-types.  Her sister defines herself as a glammed-up bombshell vixen and so to come to an island where people don't use hairdryers, wear much make-up, and are very slim, totally made her feel insecure.

I saw happen to Jen as well.  Jen defines herself as a city-dyke.  She rocks weird haircuts and men's undershirts and loves showing off her tattoos and lifting weights.  She's very pale, very city, and very butch.  We'd go to the beach and she'd be in her sports bra and board shorts and all her confidence would crumble.  She'd hold her arms over her belly and kick at the shoreline.

Well, when I first got here, I was like that too.  I was way too dressed all of the time, I wore too much make-up, and I was pale, as should be a redhead.  It took 6 or 8 months but slowly my hair grew out, my skin grew dark, and I stopped worrying about it so much.

In Colorado this summer, I was astounded at how many friends I made in the short week that I was there.  I was open, happy, free.  I want to hear people's stories. I want to bond with them, learn from them.  And people are drawn to that.  I wasn't like that when I got here.  Not nearly as loving, as accepting.  I've tried to put love before every emotion that I feel, and it has enriched my life tremendously.

But am I delusional?  I believe that I'm free and loving but really I'm stunted and immature?  I've always been proud to be a well-versed woman.  I've seen some shit, been around.  I feel like that works against me sometimes, as it can come across as snobby or cold.  Or I used to come across that way.  Now I believe I am much more approachable.

Approachable... and embarrassing, with unemployment in my future.

Damn it.

Aloha.

Leaving it in the dust

Today I was running up a trail when I passed two hikers coming back down.  The woman shouted at me as I passed, "You're an inspiration!"  Wha... really?  It didn't sink in until after I was done with my run.  I returned a friend's call and heard myself offering up advice in regard to a woman who's making him crazy. I said "I know you love her, but you have to love yourself more."  So if I'm going to be an inspiration, it's not because I tackle steep inclines, it's because I'm going to walk the walk.

People do shitty and selfish things all the time.  And sometimes we love them and they still do those things to us.  But the only damn thing I can control in this world are my thoughts.  And my thoughts for the last 3 weeks have been hurtful.  I've blamed myself.  But I've come to the point where I've out-run the woman crying on the steps.  I can do nothing else but keep running, keep laughing, and keep loving because damn if I will be withheld from any of it any longer.

Books are falling in my path as I need them.  Meagan gave me her copy of Jitterbug Perfume for some reason and the next day, I smacked Ian with it as I fought for satisfaction.

End of relationship/dodged bullet.

The same day I received an Amazon package containing Born To Run.  The book has been my bible.  I would do it an injustice by summarizing it here, but it's changed the way that I run and by extension, think,  physically, spiritually, and mentally.

There will be more dark times, I know, but I'm through the worst of it.  I have run myself past the head noise and back to clarity.

aloha.

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday I felt good.  I went on a hike with a friend and her toddler and talked it out.  I stopped by the Tamba shop on my way home, bought a new hat, and let the braddahs hit on me.  I got home, worked out, and decided to unblock Ian on facebook.  I felt like I had moved past needing to cut ties, moved past animosity.

What I realized today is that last night and this morning, I have been preparing for Ian to get in touch with me.  I have been preparing for him to come back and hold me and apologize.  I had been preparing to forgive him.

I was tricking myself.  He left me.  Abandoned me.  Threw me away.  And thank gods I have both the internal strength and external support to withstand such treatment.  I have to let him go, have to let that hope go.  Even if if I have to hide it until I simply forget where it ever was, I cannot hold onto to any amount of hope.

Today on my run, I again thought about living in fear.  I am scared of what might NOT happen and so my reality is overlooked in preparation for a future that is uncertain.  I have wonderful friends, a very healthy body, well-paying and soul-satisfying job, and a small family of three that love me.  It is abundance.  I need to honor it.

Running has been my medication and my regulator through this time.  I run trails often, twisty, muddy trails through rain forest that require exact concentration in order not to fall on my face.  It leaves little room to think about what's happened.  It also forces me out the door by 7 am or earlier each day, and if I've been up crying and popping pills all night, it is a punishing start to my day.

It wasn't supposed to happen this way...  Right?

Aloha.

Damaged Goods

It's 4am on Kauai and I'm up for a reason yet determined.  I checked my phone, email, listened for suspicious noises... nothing.  I tried to sleep for another hour and have given up and decided that perhaps the reason I'm up is to update this blog.

I've had a taste of heart break.  I think it's medium-rare kind of heat break, not a charred, burnt-to-a-crisp kind, but it'll do.  He left me without a word.  I know that I need to view this as a dodged bullet, a gift from my higher self that unleashed events that would show me his true colors. The problem is, when someone leaves with no explanation, you're left to do the coloring yourself, making it up as you go along, because you've been left with no outline.

What happened?  What were the words I used that sent him so far from me emotionally that he was able to treat me that way? And why am I not worth fighting for? These are questions that have haunted every single day for the last 10 days. I haven't called him but once, I blocked him on facebook, but I am dying to invade his life and search for answers.

Damaged goods.  Over a year ago, a woman he was madly in love with on the mainland broke his heart and took up with another.  Apparently he was ready to move to California, leave Kauai, to be with her.  It came as a surprise and according to his friends, it tore him up completely.  I wonder if he saw a chance at vengeance with me.  I'm not innocent, I know that I said inappropriate things in some lame attempt to protect myself.  A few weeks before this happened, I suggested we see other people in a weird fit of totally fake nonchalance.  The fight we had the morning he left was about sex.  I wasn't satisfied.  After what's happened I have been completely without any desire and the thought of having an orgasm almost shames me.  I feel as though my desire is what caused this, sickened him in some way.

How to move forward?  I've barely begun sleeping again, eating is still difficult, running not quite where it was two weeks ago.  And the sadness just overtakes me.  I went to the bay yesterday for a walk and a swim.  The ocean has always soothed me, taken off the sticky mess of any day.  Yesterday I got in and the waves rolled and tossed me about and I cried.  I thought maybe then I was done.  I reread The Four Agreements and went home.  And now I am up at 4am, with tears in my eyes again.

The next month will be slow at work and my best friend here is leaving for 2 weeks to Ireland.  The time kills me, time that was spent with Ian, now is spent alone.  My girlfriends have rallied, been incredible, but I know I'm on a deadline here.

I need to forgive and release him. And I need to find a way to do that without closure.

Aloha.

A perfect weekend and an invitation.

Ian's invited me to his sister's wedding and I am debating...  We've been hanging out a month, but it's been an intense month.  We fit.  Yet no matter how perfect our time together, Kauai would never let two people get swallowed up in each other.  This island has a say in everything, especially when you're dating a man born here.  I've met his boat crew, a few of his friends... And now as I prepare to meet his entire family, extended mainland family included, I find myself very hesitant on a couple of notes.  Is it too soon?  Yes, it might be awkward, and I better damn not catch that bouquet, but there's usually no harm in meeting new friends.  The pressure will be on, and I know I will be scrutinized.  Locals looove sizing up newbies and usually find them lacking.  But my friends that know his family tell me they are an easy bunch.

What to wear?  Look PRETTY is the overwhelming answer I've been given.  Don't look glitzy, not trendy, just pretty.  And wear a flower behind your ear.  I need to sort out which ear though.  Usually a flower worn behind the left ear means you're taken/married and the right means you're single.  So both options are really quite tenuous when my date is a man I haven't yet told I love, and we're so new into it. Maybe I won't go.  It is really early for all this.

I think that I do love him though.  He took me to Polihale last weekend.  We arrived at midnight, under a full moon.  After about ten trips from the truck down the dunes, we were sweaty and exhausted.  We took off our clothes and swam naked in the Pacific Ocean, water lit up from above.  Polihale is remote, detached, wild.  It makes the rules and its visitors heed them.

Meagan, Drew and their child, Sequoia, came to visit us the next day.  They have four wheel drive and so cruised down to our camp, and stayed all afternoon.  As the afternoon wore on, I grew more and more elated.  This is the life that I want.  At one point Ian radioed his boat, then grabbed his longboard and paddled out to meet them as they cruised by.  They dropped us a bag of ice.  Rabbit out of a hat...

The winds grew to 30 knots and we decided that since cooking dinner would be impossible, it was time to call it.  We packed up and drove back to Hanapepe and set up a hibachi in front of his place, and grilled the best piece of Ahi I have ever tasted.

Aloha.

Life is Beautiful

I have no words

I walked into work with a friend and we both stopped and stared, open-mouthed for about 30 seconds.  Then I burst out laughing and took a picture and she started loudly asking, "but I'm Mexican, where do I go???"

Oh Kauai, there are no words.

Give

Excerpted from "Start Where You Are : A Guide to Compassionate Living" by Pema Chodron, Copyright 1994, Shambhala Publications. 

Our next slogan is "Abandon any hope of fruition." You could also say, "Give up all hope" or "Give up" or just "Give." The shorter the better.

One of the most powerful teachings of the Buddhist tradition is that as long as you are wishing for things to change, they never will. As long as you're wanting yourself to get better, you won't. As long as you have an orientation toward the future, you can never just relax into what you already have or already are.

One of the deepest habitual patterns that we have is to feel that now is not good enough. We think back to the past a lot, which maybe was better than now, or perhaps worse. We also think ahead quite a bit to the future - which we may fear - always holding out hope that it might be a little bit better than now. Even if now is going really well -we have good health and we've met the person of our dreams, or we just had a child or got the job we wanted-nevertheless there's a deep tendency always to think about how it's going to be later. We don't quite give ourselves full credit for who we are in the present.

For example, it's easy to hope that things will improve as a result of meditation, that we won't have such bad tempers anymore or we won't have fear anymore or people will like us more than they do now. Or maybe none of those things are problems for us, but we feel we aren't spiritual enough. Surely we will connect with that awake, brilliant, sacred world that we are going to find through meditation. In everything we read -whether it's philosophy or dharma books or psychology- there's the implication that we're caught in some kind of very small perspective and that if we just did the right things, we'd begin to connect with a bigger world, a vaster world, different from the one we're in now.

One reason I wanted to talk about giving up all hope of fruition is because I've been meditating and giving dharma talks for some time now, but I find that I still have a secret passion for what it's going to be like when-as they say in some of the classical texts, all the veils have been removed." It's that same feeling of wanting to jump over yourself and find something that's more awake than the present situation, more alert than the present situation. Sometimes this occurs at a very mundane level: you want to be thinner, have less acne or more hair. But somehow there's almost always a subtle or not so subtle sense of disappointment, a sense of things not completely measuring up.

In one of the first teachings I ever heard, the teacher said, "I don't know why you came here, but I want to tell you right now that the basis of this whole teaching is that you're never going to get everything together." I felt a little like he had just slapped me in the face or thrown cold water over my head. But I've always remembered it. He said, "You're never going to get it all together." There isn't going to be some precious future time when all the loose ends will be tied up. Even though it was shocking to me, it rang true. One of the things that keeps us unhappy is this continual searching for pleasure or security, searching for a little more comfortable situation, either at the domestic level or at the spiritual level or at the level of mental peace.

The shorter the better.  I feel like I've been chasing lately.  Chasing the idea of a baby, a relationship, safety and security.  In that chase, I've encountered sleepless night, frustration, and wee bit of guilt.  Friends too, yes, but I don't sleep any easier for it.  I think the above ideas are acting like a tether around my neck, binding me to expectation and the pleasure of others.  

Tuesday I spent the day hiking, swimming, at the farmer's market, and in the evening, with friends.  It was perfect but it was while hiking that I felt the most at peace.  Simply in the now, one foot in front of the other, tenuous footing in the slippery mud.  A few couples passed me on the way back and both asked if I was alone.  Is it unusual to hike alone?  I love it.  Wild and free and sweaty and strong.

I'm relinquishing the search and am just going to give.  

I love this one because it looks as though I'm wearing the flowers in my hair and you can see the sweat on my face.

My mantra through the hike was, " I went to church today." How do you not feel god on this island?

Aloha.

Alpha males on the mainland

The woman who brought me to Kauai left the island about a month ago and now her second-in-command also announced his departure.  The opening team bails and new blood is brought in from the mainland.  When Bridget left, I moped for weeks, uncertain about the future of everything I had build here.  With Theron leaving, I'm mourning the loss of a friend, but am starting to understand what people have told me since I got here; There's always someone new arriving on Kauai.


Kauai continues to change me.  I've been hanging out with someone new, just a friend, and one night as I walked with him into the parking lot I found myself thinking that he better not drive a sedan.  I was ready to judge the poor boy on driving a normal car!  Somehow it's in my head now that real men drive trucks.  Imagine that ten months ago... I used to view men that drove trucks as scary Republicans on their way to a hunt.  It's the fucked up gender roles here.  Justin (new friend, and yes, he drives a truck) was telling me he visited New York City recently and he said he went to a club there, and "felt so alpha."  He said he was one of the biggest, most muscular guys guys there.  He said he felt like the only guy who'd ever been on a surfboard and he was full of judgment about it.  Even if they're skinny, the guys here are still alpha.  They hunt pigs, fish, surf, keep pit bulls, and drink lots of beer.  I wonder if I moved somewhere in the south or rural northwest US if I would change this way, or if it's the smallness of the population coupled with the absolute isolation.

Kauai can be a bit of an insider's club as well and I think that adds to the value morph.  The island makes  you fucking work for it and it is not easy.  Once you're settled though, the people here embrace you like nothing else.  I was out with some girlfriends last week and one of them had moved from LA about 5 years ago.  She said she still loves her friends back home but nothing compares to the friends that she has here.  It's true, in ten months, I have closer friends that I did in Denver.  Different kind of close.  Family kind of close, we're all in it together kind of close.

Secrets are impossible to keep here and I want to believe that keeps us honest, if not in action, at least in emotion.

Aloha.

Bringing it home

I didn't read The Secret, and what I do know about the book specifically, I've learned from Saturday Night Live skits basically asking, "What about Darfur, ASSHOLES?"  So yeah, it reminds me of the new age-y sorts who think you bring cancer upon your body by negative thinking and so on.  Self-righteous hippies blaming the victim; awesome.

But I do believe in the power of positive thinking and the whole "manifest" think sounds right if you compare it to exercise training.  Muscles respond and show heightened activity at rest if the subject is simply thinking about performing a physical act.

I ran a pretty good race on Saturday after not running the race distance for over four years and devoting about 2 days a week to training for a couple months on and off.  I was slacking, it rained all spring, whatever my excuse is, I was not super-prepared.  And so the last 2 weeks leading up to Saturday, I envisioned myself hurling up the hills of Lumahai, pounding over the double bridge, and cruising easily to the finish line at the pier.  Race day I woke up at 4:30, ate some almond butter, caught the shuttle down to Haena, cursed my goddamn ipod for taking a shit at the starting line and then ran my lungs out for 8 miles and clocked a good time.

Last race I did, my dad bailed at the last minute, so I ran it alone and finished alone.  This time I ran alone and finished alone, save from a phone call from the tow-in surfer I'd been hanging out with.  We met at Grandpas and went for a swim and I told him I just wanted to be friends.  He was upset, maybe more angry than hurt.  I hope I haven't made a mistake.  I just had nothing to say to him and I didn't want to kiss him.  I'm just not at the point where I can settle for someone who treats me right if the other stuff isn't there.

And as much as I like the 25 year-old, I have to let him go.  He hasn't called for three days and he should have.  After the success of the race, I tried the manifestation thing toward bringing someone complete into my life.  The last client of the day was a lawyer from SFO.  He was kind of douchey, but incredibly charismatic and reminded me that settling for someone who wants nothing in life, no matter how intense the chemistry, isn't worth investing in.

I went out that night and got drunk off pinots with Jenny and we ran into another gang of local boys and ended the night back at the pier, at a bonfire, under a sprinkling sky.  The island is small, but energy is boundless and I will manifest my heart out until I find the one who will make me want to kiss for days, talk for hours, and who will be there at the finish line.

Aloha.

Clarity (for now)

My acupuncturist has been reminding me, on a weekly basis, that the energy you put into your mind and your body, radiates to those around you.  Two months into it, I feel amazing and strong, and hopefully look it as well.

We talked about my romantic life today and aligning yourself to attract the people who most compliment you.  I was talking about the 38 year-old surfer, who in such a short time, has totally committed to me.  Trips to Indo promised, flowers and dinners gifted, and a good night phone call every night.  He would make an amazing dad. When I kiss him, I feel nothing.  Maybe a slight biological response, but nothing emotional.  It's like licking a stamp.  I've tried to back away, but apparently Jason is right, and I am absolutely terrible at breaking up with people.  So tonight, I'll break the ties for real.  It'll have to be over the phone, but I will do it.

So have I reached a point in my life when the loved-up fun relationships of yesteryear are no longer possible if that person isn't going to be the one I commit to forever?  I can see myself in an arrangement where I am good friends with the father, but am I destined to be married?  I'm so independent, so fearful of being caged, so in love with the possibilities of the world.  Does that vibe with marriage?  Yes, to the right person.

I need to take a step back, give thanks for the way another can make me feel, but reel in my emotions and expectations.  I'm happy being single and I miss the calmness and clarity that comes from not having any expectations of others.  I owe it to the right-on-paper guy to break things off and allow him to make another woman happy.  I owe it to myself to release the kiss-for-days guy and allow room for someone who will compliment me more.

Oh age... things get more complicated until you reach the next tipping point and then hopefully things just start cruising again.  Fifties, sixties?

I can't forget the rest of the world out there, and that this little island is not all there is.  The air, the fruits, the ocean, the green, the love, the happiness... it's palpable and intoxicating.  Ambition for more than those things does not exist here though and maybe that's the way things should be. One piece of clarity at a time.

Aloha.

Putting On My Big Girl Pants

Dating on Kauai; I'm becoming an expert.  From 24 year-old local boys to fifty-ish transplants, now I've got another lined up for tomorrow.  He's a tow-in surfer in his late thirties.  My friend Jane gave him my number tonight and within 30 seconds of her calling to tell me she did so, my other line was ringing.  This is intriguing after a few weeks of one man who was roughly twenty minutes late to our every hang out and another who took 6 months to get up the stones to finally ask me out.  Finally, I seem to have an encountered someone with enough lust for life to make things happen.

But then here's the thing, on the message he asked if I wanted to go surfing tomorrow.  Great, last time I went surfing, I was ten.  And I have to work.  So, instead we're meeting down at the beach tomorrow evening for a swim and sunset.  First date in a goddamn bikini.  Again.  The local boy and I met while I was wearing a bikini for the better part of 5 hours on his boat.  I need to find the confidence to be ok with this.  I'm almost there, my body is almost, within 5 pounds, of hot (enough).  I bought my first brazilian cut bikini bottoms last week at Jane's shop and I'm as tan as I will ever be.  Jane, in her thick Portuguese/Brazilian accent, is always telling me that confidence is the hottest thing a woman can wear.  I know this, I've just got to own it.

When I close my eyes, I see fragments spinning, pieces of my life unfolding and flying away.  They're red. Bridget is leaving to go to California for a few years.  I've been mourning her absence already.  She brought me here.  My faith in her gave birth to this life that I have now.  She told me today that she's already lined up our next professional task together.  She's become my sister, my mentor, my friend, and always, my boss.

I've never shied away from a new experience.  I'm ready for this summer.  I'm cautious yet exhilarated.  I have a feeling it's going to be a big, life-changing summer.

Aloha.

May Day is Lei Day

I need to get organized with this blog posting business.  I constantly have ideas darting in my brain and frantically running around yet when I go to write them down, they hide.  Stinkers.

Mom has had an interesting reaction to being back in Colorado after her last trip to Kauai. This time around, she was able to relax a lot more, not worry so much about me in a cabin in the jungle.  We walked the bay, cooked dinners from the farmer's market, toured the Na Pali, and drank many beers on the beach.  We drove each other a little nuts, but I think I just have that affect on people.  It really is fantastic to have other people visit when they have time shares and I can go home alone.  Since being home she's wistful for Kauai and the simple pleasure it offered her.  I don't remind her of the crazy struggles it presents as well.  She's lonely in her distance from my father and I believe she saw the potential of the legions of older surfer hotties here that would kill for a woman like her.  Renee summed it up when she said, "Your mom would be single for about twenty minutes."

I could tell she felt a bit uncomfortable with her appearance while she was here.  She's a beautiful woman, and in Colorado, with her make up on, and fashiony mom clothes, she's a hottie for her age.  Here?  Well, here it's different.  The day I picked her up from the airport was May Day.  A labor holiday in much of the world, here it is May Day is Lei Day.  You give leis and honor the spirit of aloha.  For two days leading up to May Day, we had ukulele and chanting in the cafeteria and a hula dancer.  I'll say it again, NO IRONY.

My dear friend Sylvia constructed a special hair clip lei for me and made a ritual out of taking the lei out of her own hair to give to me as a gift to my mom.  It was so touching and in doing it she really let me know I was loved by her.  She then asked, "Your mom has long hair, right?"  Oh.  Not many moms on the mainland do, past a certain age.  Here, the old women have the longest hair, which they wear natural and tucked in a bun or even loose.  So I did gift the lei to my mom, in honor of Syvia, but it kind of became a symbol of the difference in Hawaiian fashion.  I put a bug in her ear that she should grow out her hair, so we'll see.  If she does, it's a sign she's moving over.

I was looking at my friend Dave's facebook photos of the bars he frequents in Chicago.  The girls are beautiful, and mostly dressed in black, tight clothes, trendy, ironic, hipsterish.  The guys are kind of pretty too, in an ugly way.  Skinny and trying kinda hard.

None of that has hit this island.  Well, I've seen it here and there.  The film crews of course, and random visitors.  But overall, the women are amazingly traditionally feminine.  Long hair, beautiful tan bodies, lots of skin showing, always a flower in the hair.  The tuxedo pants and vests I wore in Denver would look like a costume here.  The men simply wear t shirts and board shorts.  The first night I went out with the 24 year-old, he put a little effort into it.  He wore a camouflage jacket over his t shirt.  Yup, camo and board shorts.  There is not a more Kauai local boy look that I can think of.  I can see how you'd wile away a lifetime here.

Aloha.

Longer Term Plans

I broke the news to Mom that I plan on staying on Kauai for longer than originally planned.  She agreed it was the right decision.  Now I have to tell Jen.

Having her here reinforced what I only tend to notice when people come visit.  The tourist experience on Kauai is miles away from the kama'aina experience.  The way we were ignored in various shops and restaurants was appalling.  Kauai service industry, lose the entitlement.  I'm used to getting fussed at by the local women and now find it a bit comforting.  It's like an Auntie whom you drive batshit insane, but who secretly loves you just a little bit.  That's what I feel like at the PO, grocery store, at the cafeteria at work, when calling public offices, and in most stores in Lihue.  Smile, smile, smile and you'll wear them down eventually.

I had a shitty day yesterday, full of cancelations and bitchy coworkers, and punctuated by missing my mom.  After work, I fled to Grandpas, texting Jenny on the way.  I parked, put on my bikini in the car, kissed the drunks on the picnic bench, and ran with my new friend into the Pacific Ocean.  Swimming as the paddle boarders circled us and the sun set behind the ridge was more reward than most experience on their honeymoon.

A local surfer boy has been pursuing me, which is confusing and exciting at once.  He drives a boat for a living, born and raised on Kauai.  We are as different as two people can be and still have a shot at anything.  Last night we are sitting in the local dive bar and he lets it slip he is 24 years old.  Such a weird feeling of ancientness, fear, and a little bit of pride.  We were sitting about 15 feet away from another man I have a date with later this week.  He's in his fifties.  So with the boy, I can admire his beauty and energy and laugh off his utter lack of sophistication.  He means well and does stuff like text me at 7 am to say good morning and show me pictures of the big fish he caught yesterday.

The older man requires a slower hand and perhaps none at all.  When I kissed him hello last night, he looked at me with a twinkle in his eye that read, "good job and good luck with that one."  The local boy was oblivious.  I have now hooked up with someone who actually lives on the island, and need to proceed very carefully.  Living in such a small space has taught me well what battles to fight and that sugar will get you far more than spice.

Mom's last night at Black Pot.  She was looking at real estate by her last day here.

Aloha.

Not Eating to Win

I've consumed 560 calories today and it's been a complete catalyst. I'm not exactly sure what part the food restriction played but today I was finally honest with Baltar about my feelings, I cried like a baby, and I got my period. Finally, on three counts!

I'm hungry but I'm clear. Intuition steered me to look closer at a NY Times article published earlier this year about a lifestyle movement based on paleolithic humans. My body has been fighting me for months and I wanted a solution that simply "made me feel human again." I ended up researching the theory of alternate day fasting and the effect is has on metabolism and liked what I was reading. As human animals, it is unnecessary to consume the exact same number of calories each day, rather we are programmed to deal with periods of hunger followed by satiety. When we eat a drastically reduced number of calories one day, followed by normal eating the next, we are stimulating SIRT1, a gene that extends the life of our cells. Resveratrol, the compound in red wine, also stimulates this gene. By alternating days, the body doesn't go into starvation mode, which destroys the metabolism.

To me, not eating more than a few hundred calories in day has the added benefit of taking my mind off food. I usually cook rather elaborate meals for just simple me, as I love the beauty of putting together dishes that offer the most color, nutrients, antioxidants and taste. But that ritual leaves me constantly thinking about food. I'm starting this food cycling program of one day 500 calories, the next a normal amount, to try and reset my thyroid and my metabolism.

I have an appointment with a nutritionist/acupuncturist tomorrow morning to review my blood work and help me further. Her intake was 12 pages of extremely personal questions so I'm hoping she delivers.

I'll conclude with a photo of a waterfall from my kitchen window:


Aloha.

Staying True to My Roots

I walked into work today and my boss practically shouts at me, "Your hair is so long!" He follows with a "Have you cut it since you've been here?" Well, yes, a quarter inch once and it was terrifying so I don't plan on cutting it again.  But he might have hinting at something.  My last service today was a couples massage and I asked the other therapist if I was looking too shaggy and should cut my hair.  His answer was a summary of Kauai fashion and he seemed to edging towards a compliment... but then he ended with, "And you look like a Viking cavewoman."  What???  *sigh* Do I look like a Viking cavewoman? There's so such thing.  I can never leave this island.

Falling back on an adolescence of Sassy magazine and grunge, I paid homage to my 15 year-old self tonight and collaged a shoebox.  Who needs nightlife?

Aloha.